Color Blind
by Lady Amaly
Summary: Honestly, Suzaku thought he was cursed to fall in love with Lelouch over and over again. yaoi. AU.
1. White

**Color Blind**

**_____**

**White**

It was Friday night and I was in a room full of people. I generally avoid crowds, especially _this _kind of crowd – the loud, snobbish, filthy rich – but there was no way around it. They were all in here for me, to celebrate me, paintings, and my success. And in front of me there's this woman. This wonderful woman I haven't seen in such a long time, smiling sweetly and looking at me with those sparkling gems she had for eyes.

Last time I saw her, Shirley, she was sitting on a run-down couch in my living room, with her back straight and eyes full of wounded pride, but even back then, she had a sort of dignity that didn't come easily and a certain way with words. You didn't feel sorry for her; you respected her, even if her position wasn't a desirable one. She told me that nothing mattered more than her loved ones' happiness, and for that, no sacrifice would be too great. It didn't matter if that meant leaving aside her happiness and contentment. Well, one has to admit, she was a praise-worthy woman.

"How is…" _Why can't I find my words? It's been so long, and yet… _"…I mean, how are the two of you…?"

She knew what I was talking about. It didn't take a genius to realize whom I had in mind, after all.

A sad little smile made its way unto her features. She looked awfully beautiful like that, with her ginger locks spilling over her naked shoulders and with that determined, but still hurt look reflecting in the depths of her eyes. _I would like to paint her like this, _I said to myself. Like a caring protector, a mother in every sense of the word.

"We're…okay. I didn't think we would be, honestly, but in the end, life happened. Lelouch and I… are just fine, Suzaku."

There was that smile again. Happy, not because she was _fine with him, _but because he was _fine with her. _There was a subtle difference there, maybe most do not even realize it, but then again, I am very much of a masochist, so I tend to notice things that hurt me. Stupid, stupid Suzaku. Wounds like these shouldn't hurt, not anymore. Not when they are my fault to begin with.

"I am happy for you. Truly. You both deserve only the best and …"

What the hell I am talking about? I'm sure that Shirley doesn't want to hear hollow remarks. They're not ill meaning, because I wish them all the best, but I cannot help feel a tad bitter. After all, here she's telling me how nice it was to be married to the love of my life and how he has forgotten all about me. It's a very hypocritical thing to say. Aren't I the one who told him to forget about me? And what happened to my "_Don't get attached policy_"? But oh, it seems Faith doesn't like me all that much, because if she did, she wouldn't have made Shirley part of the crowd tonight.

"I'm sure Lulu would have loved to say hello, but unfortunately, he had some…business to attend tonight."

Lying doesn't do her well. She is awful at it, I noticed. Her cheeks get a faint pink glow and her eyes run around the room, looking at anything, except the one she is lying to. Shirley needs to learn from Lelouch; he was always a fabulous liar. Or better yet, I can try to teach her a thing or two, if she ever wants to learn. It seems lying is a skill I should be proud of, or at least that is what one or two people have told me. That is beside the point, however. I don't understand her need to make up an excuse for him. I wouldn't want to see myself, had I been in his shoes. I'll let her get away with the lie.

"Shirley, can you please tell him…"

_I'm so sorry? _

_I miss you?_

_I'm still desperately, hopelessly, sickeningly in love with you?_

"Tell him I said 'hello'."

"I'll tell him that, Suzaku. I'm sure he'll want to talk to you as well. If you ever have the time…"

Her voice was soft and inviting, relaxing. It was like she was trying to sooth all of my worries, make my anxieties melt, with a single word. Maybe that was the reason _my _Lelouch had married her in the first place. The overwhelming kindness that she possessed was enough to charm any man into loving her. Some women are just born with that sort of a power inside of them, and Shirley had plenty of it. It was possible that, after so many years, that man she calls her husband managed to see something that took me hours. I'm not sure how to feel about it. Happy for her? Sad for me? Maybe mad at him?

All too soon she had to leave, leaving in her wake a faint scent of lilies that tickled my nose pleasantly, so unlike the sickly-sweet aroma women wear in general. Or at least, the women I meet. She was in some different circle. Shirley…Lelouch…they are –always have been-, part of a whole different world where I am not allowed to go. A proper world, full of half-smiles and half-truths and protected by all those lies they loved so much. There are very few people like Shirley and Lelouch in that little, exclusive club of theirs. That was one of the first things I had learned in my time visiting it.

By now, the questions everyone wants answers to are: Who is Lelouch? Who is Shirley?

It's a simple really. Lelouch is a pretty memory of mine, it seems, all wrapped up in a grayish-blue cloud of cigarette smoke and with thin threads of purple silk going round and round his body. He would bring along with himself smiles and compliments, he would start fires and passions and nobody could ever argue with him. My Lelouch had a special way with words; you could never quite refuse him something. He also had a special gift: he would look at you and make you forget the existence of the world, all your doubts and he could give himself completely with just one look. To this day, I am not sure if that was a skill he had developed out of necessity or if it was a blessing given to him by some cruel god with a twisted sense of humor. I am actually leaning towards the latter, because no human should be allowed to possess eyes like Lelouch's – lying eyes, able to trap and kill almost anyone.

There may have been a time when I thought that it should be illegal for him to have such an enormous amount of power, and that there was nothing worse than being able to tell sugar-coated lies without even having to open one's lips.

As for Shirley, there is nothing wicked or twisted about her. She's one of those people you meet once or twice in a lifetime, with enough brightness to warm up a room. Also, she seems to have the constant need to help, to offer and to warm up. That is why she has Lelouch as a husband, right? To warm him up and to love him, to make him smile when he refuses to smile. Honestly.

_To make those eyes of his sincere. _

Good luck there, Shirley.

Last time I saw Lelouch he was looking as gorgeous as ever, with his cheeks feverishly red and those voluptuous lips of his swollen and red from biting. And his eyes…it was one of the few times they had lost their ability to woo and remained bare before me, making way for a torrent of emotions I was not capable to understand fully. Nor did I want to, not then. Now, however…oh, let's just say that _now_ is a whole different story.

***

It was Wednesday and I was preparing to leave the art gallery. They didn't need me there, so why hang around uselessly? I was getting my jacket, when the front door opened. I turned around and there he was.

Not just anyone, but _him_. Tall and slim and looking as handsome as I remembered him, like a day hadn't past over him and we were still going out to coffee shops together, hiding behind shadows and behind a haze of cigarette smoke and kissing and groping and caressing each other like mad even though we both insisted we were _not _in love with one another. We weren't. Really. It was just a way to…pass the time. Find out more about others. Not sleep alone at night. Not walk aimlessly around. That was all.

"Hello."

"I wanted…I thought I … you…"

Why couldn't he find his words? My Lelouch was a dangerous predator, with his tongue dipped in sweet, sweet poison. However, here he was, in front of me after God-only-knows how much time, trying to find his words and looking at me not like a grown man, full of pride and intelligence and power, but like a little kid, measuring his every word in front of a teacher. It was weird and awkward and I wanted it to stop, but what did I have to say to him? For me, it was enough to observe him and take in every single detail that I've always known about, but still wanted to rediscover.

"I…Suzaku, it's been a while since I last saw you." He said finally, not really looking at me, but smiling nonetheless.

It was a tiny smile; one I had the privilege to see quite often when we were seeing each other. However, that was a long time ago and things may have changed since. Who knows? Maybe Lelouch wasn't even the one I wanted anymore. That's something I would like to discover by myself, though, not merely assume it.

___

"You've changed." Lelouch told me all of a sudden, while hiding his smile behind a cup of coffee. "I don't know how you managed, but you've grown up quite a bit, Suzaku." His voice was slightly teasing now, holding a bit of amusement.

We were sitting across from one another in a small café. It wasn't much different than the last one we were in, but then again, these cafés always looked the same to me. I didn't really see the differences, because the only important factor was sitting less than an arm's length away in the material world, but in every other aspect – the ones that really matter – we were so far away. And it wasn't even Lelouch's fault. He was still high up on his golden podium, like the first time I saw him. I just had to find a way to get him down here with me.

"It's about time, don't you think?" The answer was a tad bitter, even if I hadn't meant it that way. The last thing I wanted to do was scare him away. "Plus, one of us had to change at least a little, right? And it might as well be me. You're still the same, Lelouch."

"Is that what you think?"

There was that smile again. Flirtatious, not even a least bit serious and dripping with honey. It fit him too well, all of a sudden. When had this change happened? During our walk to the café? While we were waiting for our coffee? While I was completely and utterly lost in him?

" I'm sorry to disappoint you, dearest, but I've changed just as much as you have." He told me.

He took a drag out of his cigarette and blew the smoke towards me. He knew I hated that kind of thing, it always made me cough like crazy.

He was playing. And if he wanted to have a good time, it was my duty to give it to him, wasn't it? I leaned forward a little, looking him straight into the eye and asked him as gently as possible.

"How so?"

"I'm smarter now" he whispered in a low voice, like he was letting me in on a great big secret of his. A smirk was making its way unto his features. There was a mischievous light inside those beautiful eyes of his. "I'm not falling for the same tricks."

The warning was there. In his choice of words. In the way he rolled his words, dragging out the vowels and making sure each and every letter was overflowing with his own special brand of toxin. Even so, his lips were inviting, tantalizingly close to mine, his eyes were bewitching and his whole being was simply dazzling.

Anyone would forgive me for stealing a kiss for him, right?

His lips were warm and soft, moving delicately against my own. There was a faint taste of cigarette smoke, mixing itself with coffee. To be honest, I had expected that much from him. I will not say he tasted '_sugary-sweet_' or '_incredible_', because it would be a great big lie. He always tasted of coffee and smoke and I am quite willing to say that kissing Kallen with her strawberry-flavored lip-gloss was much, much better. There was no music either. No fireworks going off behind my closed eyelids and I would have liked it more if he put a little force into kissing me.

When he leaned back into his chair, our kiss was over. Lelouch looked at me from behind his thick eyelashes. There was a faint pink adorning his checks and if you looked closely enough, you could see the slight wetness on his lips. And really now, what was it about him? Weren't there others, more than willing to have me the way I was? Wouldn't it be easier with someone that didn't wear a wedding ring on his or her finger? It wasn't even the fact that he was handsome. Sure enough, there were others just as beautiful and as charming as him, right?

Lelouch started laughing. His laugh filled the coffee-shop up to the brim, overflowing slightly and wrapping around me, once, twice, until I was laughing just like him, even though I didn't have the slightest idea where this sudden amusement came from. If I were completely honest with myself, I would now admit that this was the reason I wanted him back to begin with. This strange effect he had over me, to make forget about everything and just focus on a narrow patch of land, enough for him and me. Who the hell gave him this power over me? Was there some kind of god out there who found it funny to make me fall in love with him, over and over again?

* * *

**That was...well, folks, that was chapter one of my story. ^^ I have here a little comment on my choice of title and everything. First of all, I wanted to name every chapter after a colour which is, in one way or another, relevant to it. There actually is a connection between the colour white and this is it : _White is both the start of a something and the end of it. Or, to be more acurate, it is rebirth of something. So it think it fits if you look at it like this._ ^^ **

**I would like to thank NobleButterfly2711 for being the beta of this chapter and helping me out with it. **

**Okay...please leave a review. Us poor authors live on stuff like that and it always warms up one's heart to see that people like your stories. **


	2. Blue

**First of all, I wanted to give a big "thank you" to everyone who read/reviewed my story. I'm glad you enjoyed the first chapter and I hope you will enjoy the others as well. ** **Thank you to NobleButterfly2711 for being my beta. **

**Secondly, I have a little something to tell you about the story. It goes something like this "something that happens in the present"[told in First person point of view] vs. "something that happened in the passed" [told from third person point of view.].**** I hope that makes sense to you all. Okay. That's it. **

_**Now, on with the story. **_

* * *

**Blu****e**

_**Blue**__** is nothingness materialized.**_

_____

_Once upon a time…_

…_once upon a time, there was a young knight, living in a land far away. He had all the qualities one would expect from a warrior. He was exceptionally brave and noble, holding his head up high, without giving way to vanity. He measured his words, knew exactly what to say to brighten a fair lady's day, and knew the exact quantity of venom needed to leave a scar, but not to kill. He always put others' needs first, sometimes even forgetting he had any of his own, and, most importantly, he had an inner-strength so powerful, it flowed through him and out of him. It reached out to those around and wrapped them in warmth and security. One had to admit: our young knight had a bright future in stored for him. _

_There was only one flaw to be identified inside of him. You would probably say, is one flaw important to mention, when he had so many qualities presented before us? Maybe not. Maybe, if our young knight had been vain, he would have been forgiven. After all, when you have so many achievements and so much knowledge, you are allowed to be vain. Maybe if he had been selfish, he would have been forgiven. After all, human beings are selfish creatures, it is an instinct encoded into our very being and all of us have the right to act upon it. Maybe if he had been greedy, weak, dishonest, maybe even disobedient, he would have been forgiven. However, out young knight was none of these things and the one flaw he had was unacceptable to those around him. _

_He was incapable of giving himself to anyone. Maybe he simply did not posses enough power to love someone so completely, to trust them enough, to give himself to them in any way possible and most certainly, he lacked the loyalty those around asked of him. It was his tragedy. _

_However, he had tried to change this. No luck. The young princesses, duchesses, countesses with their flirtatious smiles and their shining eyes were beautiful, but much too bright and warm for him. In trying to protect them, he either ended up with burn marks upon his hands, or he somehow, without even trying, made them lose their distinctive shine and warmth. Tragic. When it came to the princes, the noble young politicians, he often found himself burning with rage because of their ideas and ideals and because of their truths and because of their lies. Sometimes, because of their lack of these things. _

_Maybe he should have given up long ago, because if those were the type of people he had to care for and protect, then…_

_Because he had no master and because he belonged to no one, those around him simply assumed he was lacked the emotions which were so natural for others. He started thinking the same thing, after a while. However, the assumptions were wrong. Our young knight didn't lack the ability to feel love, loyalty and the need to protect… he just could not find someone worthy of him. _

_***_

Kallen had the longest, most perfect legs God could give to a woman. And that wasn't all. She also had a bust that could put lingerie models to shame, the type of bottom that looked good in anything and a face straight out of a painting. Lips, cheekbones, nose and eyelashes, they were all drawn with a sure hand, that knew the exact result it was looking for and didn't settle with anything else. The colors used to fill the white were all strong and powerful. Azure blue and fiery red, she could very well be considered a walking, talking, breathing fantasy, especially when she was showing off by wearing those miniature clothes of hers.

All in all, Kallen was a knockout. One hell of a woman that any man would fight for.

Suzaku had stopped seeing her as a woman when she had started to beat him at drinking competitions. That and the fact that she could throw one mean punch when angered. It convinced him that his long time friend was nothing more than a devil, straight out of Lucifer's army, disguised as a woman. Nothing, not even her low cut, see-through blouses could ever make him believe otherwise. And then, out of nowhere, came a slap on the back of his head just to strengthen the idea.

"Suzaku Kururugi, have you listened to a word I've said?"

Moments like these, when Karen's blue eyes were filled with burning anger capable of destroying cities, occurred often. They made Suzaku wondered if maybe all devils had red hair and blue eyes and how they could possibly hide their tail and horns in such a revealing outfit. The questions usually died before they reached his lips and his curiosity along with them. Then, he was left in front of her, looking at her with a tender affection and slight exasperation. The type of look one would give his younger and wild, but very dear sibling.

"Yes, yes, a very nice speech, Kallen. However, I never would have expected to visit you and find you very much…in love".

Suzaku had just moved into town a few weeks back. He just woke up one day, feeling bored of the city he was in, of its people and of the job he had there. So he packed his bags, bought a train ticket, said his goodbyes, and turned his back on it, simply leaving. It was a common practice when it came to him. Not staying in one place for long, that is. Long enough to know it, to discover it and its inhabitants. Long enough to make room for himself in the community without actually being part of it. Long enough to find someone to sleep with at night but not to make someone fall for him. That was how he dealt with things. If, for some ever reason, he felt the need to leave before all of these demands were met, he would. There was nothing to stop him, he made sure of that. It was sad, maybe.

He also liked his life as it was. That was even sadder.

How he ended up here, with Kallen, was relatively simple. Kallen was a very dear friend of his, and he cared for her a whole lot. It was different from anything else, because he cared for Kallen as a person, not for her as a woman nor a potential seductress. To him, she was a dear friend first of all, and that was it.

Back to the present, Suzaku was sitting at a bar, with a glass of…something in front of him. Behind the counter, one could find Kallen, dressed in her very revealing red uniform. She had started working here a while ago, because being a photographer didn't bring her a lot of money. Here, _something_ had happened. If _it _had been a good or a bad thing, Kallen wasn't quite sure herself.

Here, she met C.C. She didn't quitemeet her _yet_. Not really. She spoke to her every time the singer wanted something to drink, but that was it. She admired her once every week, when the green-haired woman came to sing at their bar. However, that was about the whole relationship she had with her.

Currently, she was angry because Suzaku was _not listening to her. _

"As interesting as it is to stay here and listen to you, Kallen, I need to leave. I have to be somewhere."

"Of course you have to be somewhere." Kallen said, rolling her eyes. She was exasperated. Every time she wanted to talk to Suzaku, he had something to do. He couldn't be _that _busy.

"I promise I'll come tomorrow to talk to you. I'll have enough time to talk to you then."

Kallen wanted to slap him again, but he was out before she had the chance to really get him.

***

Suzaku didn't mean to leave Kallen alone when she needed him; it was just that he had to be somewhere. Somewhere important with someone important. That was why he was trying desperately to catch a cab, because he was already late and he needed to get there fast. Important _someones _are not to be left waiting in tiny coffee shops filled with smoke and random people. Generally, important someones are not to be taken to tiny coffee shops filled with smoke and random people. They should be taken to expensive hotels and restaurants, where they should be treated like royalty and be served on hand and foot. However, those _expensive hotels and restaurants_ lacked something the _tiny, smoke filled cafés _didn't: privacy. No one bothered you if you hid behind grayish-blue clouds there, so it was the ideal place for them.

That was why, when he found the violet eyes in a sea of smoke, coffee and sickly-sweet perfume, he rushed over and took his place near Lelouch. The young man looked at him and smiled, all the while talking to someone –_someone important, most likely_- over the phone. Suzaku returned the smile and lifted the cup of coffee set in front of him to his lips.

This was a routine of theirs, it seemed. They would meet at this little café. Lelouch would always be there, always talking over the phone when Suzaku came in, always having a cigarette lit up, but not smoking it and always having a coffee pre-ordered for Suzaku. No sugar, but with milk. Suzaku would wait for Lelouch to finish his call, during which he not only looked at him, but really _looked at him. _He studied him and analyzed him, making sure his image was properly burned down on the inside of his retinas. The long, piano-singer type fingers, soft and well cared for. The aristocratic line of his cheekbones. The proud line of his chin. The voluptuous lips.

There were also the little things Lelouch did, the details that Suzaku liked to take note of. How he needed to play with something, to keep his fingers busy at all times. How he bit his lips when he was nervous. How he never let his guard down, not even when he was in bed. How he always had his wedding ring on in public, but usually slipped it off along with his clothes. Maybe Suzaku should just learn how to stop analyzing Lelouch the way he did, even if his curiosity didn't let him do so.

Lelouch was still talking over the phone.

Suzaku thought that he should feel insulted. Shouldn't he? Here he was, being more or less ignored. However, Suzaku had learned his lesson a few days ago. It seems that he had wrongly assumed if Lelouch was with him, Lelouch had to pay attention to him, not whom-ever-it-was-on-the-other-side-of-that-phone-call. That was why Suzaku took that damn cell phone, turned it off and set it in front of a stunned young man. Suzaku simply smiled at him, leaned over to kiss his neck and all in all, expected the other to give into him, but Suzaku was hit by an unpleasant surprise. Lelouch simply took his phone, got up and left without another word, leaving him there confused, before he even had the chance to say something to him.

Suzaku had met Lelouch a few weeks back. It was fair to say that Lelouch had been the first person he had met in this city. By circumstance, they had been forced to share a cab from the airport. It had been an interesting ride, to say the least - filled with awkward questions meant to fill up an even more awkward silence. It was when Lelouch wanted to get out of the car, wanting to leave and quite possibly forget all about the ride, that Suzaku found himself blurting out of nowhere, _"Would you like to have lunch with me?"_ It was maybe an impulse that made him ask that and maybe a lapse in Lelouch's sanity to accept. Going out to lunch with a stranger when he had so many files and paper work excitingly waiting for him back at his office wasn't a brilliant idea. However, to both their surprises, they soon found themselves if front of each other, having lunch.

Them, having coffee. Oh, come on, it wasn't a big thing, right? And Lelouch looked like the type that overworked himself, so a break would do him some good. And after coffee, came the drinks. The first thing that came to Lelouch's mind was a big, fat _"no" – _but then again, he hadn't been out for drinks with someone in such a long time, if ever. And it was early, Shirley wouldn't worry about it. Then, he remembered blurry objects. Suzaku's green eyes. Suzaku's lips on his neck and his hands under his shirt and _oh – How did I end up here? _Of course, he also remembered being inexplicably light and surrounded in tight, wet heat and _"Don't leave yet. Stay the night." _He then remembered waking up and leaving as fast as he could, only to be back again a day later. And that is how Lelouch ended up here smiling gently to Suzaku after he finished his phone call.

All in all, it wasn't a bad situation. Of course, it was far from ideal. Still, one had to admit, Suzaku was nice. The whole …_thing _they had going was comfortable, but things could get much worse, you know. How you ask? Pretty easily. Shirley could find out. His mother and father could find out. It could get out to the press. He could, _God forbid, _fall in love with him.

And if he knew all the risks, why on earth was Lelouch here in the first place?

Because, up until now, everything in his life had been so _sickeningly right, _it made him want to shout. The right way to act. The right girlfriend. The proper way to talk and to deal with things. The right crowd, the right schools and right friends. It was all so safe and secure and boring and fake, and what the hell was he doing in such a place? There was nothing new or interesting or exciting or at least surprising because that would be wrong. There was no need for spontaneous actions or impulses in a world such as his, just as there was no room for ideals, beliefs or faith. Because those would certainly alter everyone's plans, wouldn't they?

Even so, Lelouch wasn't the one to play by the rules, nor follow the plan set out for him. If he had been such, he wouldn't have chosen to go with Suzaku in the first place, now would he?

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**Thank you very much for reading. I hope you enjoyed the chapter. ^^**


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